#1 German Surnames
We told you about our new German friends named Brigit and Karen whom we met on the terrace of our apartment in Barcelona. What we were not able to tell you were their last names, which after hearing them left us in stitches. We are certain the spelling is incorrect, but there was no mistaking the way they pronounced them. Brigit BONING and Karen FUCKING! Poor ladies.
Even funnier… we were watching the third place game of the World Cup between Uruguay and Germany and learned that one of the German players also has a silly last name… Butt.
#2 Aimee’s Arc de Triomphe
While in Paris we prided ourselves with our triumphant climb to the top of the Arc de Triomphe. What we couldn’t tell you was that there was actually an even bigger triomphe for us that day. After a long couple days of travel, Aimee had hit a dry spell when it came to the porcelain throne. Just as she was beginning to wonder if she would ever go #2 again, she felt the urge. She rushed into the toilette and dropped a deuce of massive proportion. She returned a short while later and proudly announced it as Aimee’s very own arc de triomphe (she added that it even had its own arc shape).
#3 Shut the Fuck Up!
You now know the universal word for ham, but what we didn’t tell you was the universal word for Shut the Fuck Up! We were sitting on the plane in Paris and the flight attendants had asked that everyone listen quietly as they ran through their routine with the seatbelts, face masks, emergency exits, etc. Well, the two gentlemen directly behind us apparently didn’t care whether they knew what to do if the plane went down and they continued to chatter on loudly. So, after a minute, Aimee tried to give them “a look” by peering through the crack between the seats. This did not work. They continued talking. Getting more annoyed, Aimee then tried to give them “a look” by peering over the seat. This didn’t work. They continued talking. Finally, Aimee took it one step further. She turned around, gave them “the look”, gritted her teeth and blew with a short, crisp, hard, and very loud “Shhh!” The gentlemen, along with everyone else on the plane, immediately sprang to attention. They shut up and we all sat attentively watching the routine by the flight attendants.
#4 Airport Unsecurity
Speaking of air travel in Europe. Here’s a story about the unsecurity at some of those smaller airports. While we were waiting in a rather looooooooooooooong line to pass through the x-ray station, we had the opportunity to observe some rather unnerving things. First, there was the little boy of about 3 or 4 years old traveling with his mother. The scanner people were so preoccupied with the mother that they didn’t even notice the little boy slip right past them and through the metal detector. Good thing the kid wasn’t toting a bomb, which may sound absurd, but, hey, it has happened.
Then, when we finally got up to the conveyor belt we saw something even more astonishing. The gentleman who was supposed to be viewing the bag contents on the little TV screen apparently had more important things to do. He was clipping his fingernails! Finally, when we did make it through to our seats to wait for boarding to begin, a young woman opened her purse and pulled out two rather long (and sharp!!) knitting needles. Aye carumba!
Sarah had her own experience with the unsecurity as well, which luckily worked in her favor. She had collected some sand and rocks from Omaha Beach in Normandy and was storing them in a used Pringles container and glass bottle in her suitcase. Aimee likes to say she was brining back half the beach of Normandy, which is a slight exaggeration. When she checked in at the teeny tiny airport in Malaga, her suitcase was over the weight limit by 1.5 kg. Thus, to lessen the weight of the suitcase, she needed to remove something to carry on instead. Without thinking, she grabbed the bag with the Pringles container, which significantly decreased the weight of the luggage. Later, as she approached the security with the metal detectors and x-ray machines, she suddenly realized that the “questionable substance” now tucked away in her carry on would certainly cause the personnel to manually search her belongings. And that she would be lucky if they let her keep it. Sure enough, the security lady pulled her aside and asked her to remove the can. After doing so, Sarah quickly explained, “It’s just sand from the beach. It’s only sand.” To which the woman turned to her friend and in Spanish told her something that sounded like, “Blah blah blah. La Tierra. Hee hee. Blah blah blah. La Tierra. Hee hee.” Apparently, it was quite amusing that some red headed American tourist wanted to bring “land” back as a souvenir. Fortunately, they were too busy giggling to be overly concerned. The woman dropped the container back in the bag and waved Sarah on. By the way, she missed the other glass container.
#5 A French Douche
When we first arrived at the “chateau” in France, our hostess, Giselle, who spoke very little English, was giving Aimee a tour of the house, each one practicing the other’s native language as they walked along. Upon arriving at the bathroom, she extended her hand and said, “This is, ummm, how do you say, the toilette.” Aimee nodded understandingly. Then, Giselle moved on to an adjoining room that housed the shower and again extended her hand and declared, “This is where we, uhhhh… douche.” To which Aimee bit her lip and nodded, face turning red, doing her best to stifle an outburst of uncontrollable laughter.
A French Douche
An American Douche
#6 Nakedness
While we mostly just wanted to see the Mona Lisa on our trip to the Louvre in Paris, we did manage to take in some of the other art works as well. Below is one that piqued our interest.
Now, that’s gotta hurt!Aimee wonders if that is where the term “titty twister” originated?
Of course being in Europe, we not only saw nakedness in art, but in real life as well. Certainly, the beaches of Nerja were covered with naked boobies. But, nothing could have prepared us for what we saw on a busy street in Malaga. Sitting right there in front of one of the shops was a homeless man stretched out on a blanket. And, right there with him was his “little missile” who had snuck out to greet the passersby.
#7 Sweet Revenge
We told you about our final “what else could go wrong” day in Europe which began with Sarah being kept up all night by the new neighbors upstairs. With lots of time to lay awake and getting angrier by the minute, Sarah concocted the following plan for sweet revenge.
Before leaving the apartment Sarah wrote the note below (by candlelight) to the neighbors. Then, after packing up all our belongings into the rental car, we parked just outside the gated entrance of the apartment complex. Leaving Aimee behind in the car, Sarah returned to the apartment where she retrieved the note. Then, note in hand, she took the elevator up one floor and quickly walked to the apartment of our new nemesis where she taped it to the door. She noted their apartment number and then walked briskly back to the elevator, rode down to the bottom floor, and sprinted to the get-away car. Aimee hopped out of the car (camera in hand) and, together, we walked over to the call box.
Searching for the apartment number, Sarah said, “I’m just going to tell them to check their door and hang up.” She finally found the correct number and pressed the button, which let out a loud shrill beeeeeeeep. No answer. So, Sarah pressed the button again. Beeeeep! No answer. Beeeeep! No answer. Beeeeep! No answer. About 20 beeeeeps later, a very tired sounding man answered with a grumpy, “Hello?” To which Sarah promptly replied, “Check your door, Asshole!” Aimee gasped when she heard Sarah deviate from the plan. Then, we quickly hopped in the get-away car and sped off. Laughing hysterically. A rush of adrenalin carried us to the airport. Well, almost to the airport. Because you know what came next… a flat tire (and a bad dose of karma?). Here is the full text of the note.
To Some of the Rudest Neighbors I Have Ever Experienced in My Life,
I just want you to know that not only was your family up all night long, but so was my family as well as probably most of this apartment complex and probably half the town of Nerja because of your behaviors last night— giggling, chatting, talking loudly, stomping about, and moving furniture. And, to top it all off, a screaming child, who not only screamed in the middle of the night, but all afternoon in the pool as well. Lucky for me, I’m leaving far away today so I don’t have to spend another night listening to your rude family. But, you should be aware that there are many others who still have to tolerate your nonsense. I hope for their sake you consider the fact that you are living in close quarters with people who call this home as well as many others who have chosen this beautiful town for a peaceful relaxing vacation. DON’T SPOIL IT FOR EVERYONE. GROW UP AND GET SOME RESPECT!
Your now very tired, very grumpy neighbor.
#8 Karma
Now that we are back home, we thought you might want an update on how things are going. The trip continued to stick with us for the first week. Obviously, we dealt with a bit of jet lag and “the blues”, wishing we were still there. But, Aimee returned home to a crashed laptop computer, which she had already loaded, edited, and organized all her photos on. A few days later, Sarah received a phone call from the Hertz rental company in Barcelona. Apparently, they are unable to locate the rental car... and its flat tire! They say things come in threes but given our final day in Europe, we would say we got a double dose. If you add up all the issues we had, the grand total is 6 (3 for Aimee and 3 for Sarah?)!
Karma comes back to bite us in the ass!
